Little man.

Sullivan has been here for over a month now! The time is going so quick and as we feel more certain he's our caboose we are soaking up every little thing about his sweet newborn self. The soft baby skin, the stretches, the sound of his newborn cry, the feel of him curled up on my chest fast asleep. Pure bliss. He's been a bit fussy and I've put the white noise app on my phone to good use. He's  started smiling at us and the kids all adore him. Wesley has surprised everyone and has been an awesome big brother! Miles likes to say "Oh Mr. Sully! Oh Mr. Sully!" if Sullivan is sad and both of the girls are awesome at rocking him and even getting him to sleep. I'm going to miss them when school starts up again next week! There have been days here and there where it's been a bit hectic where I've about lost my mind by the end of the day and besides the park I've only taken the kids out once by myself. The kids and I have spent a lot of time being together at home and overall we've had a great time. I can't believe summer is about over but I think we're ready for it.

At the hospital

Even though the hospital stay after having a baby isn't very restful, it's always a special time getting to know a sweet new baby. The hospital we were at was pretty great and we loved spending a few days with sweet baby Sullivan!

 First bath

 He didn't spend much time in here :)

Our family of 7!

Sullivan's birth

I didn't expect this babe to be too late considering I'd been dilated to a 3 for a few weeks, but he had other plans. Once I was a week overdue my doctor scheduled an induction for Saturday the 19th at 11:30am. All week I had been telling the kids, "Good night. I love you. Maybe when you wake up daddy and I will be at the hospital!" Friday night came and we all went to bed. At 2:45 I woke up with a really strong contraction followed by a big gush. I got out of bed and hurried to the bathroom. I turned the light on and my heart almost stopped when I saw there was a lot of blood everywhere and a few large blood clots. It was on the sheets,  the carpet,  down the hallway and in the bathroom.  I called to Brian and he hurried in and I said, "I think everything is okay, but we need to go now!" We grabbed the suitcase, woke up my mom (who cleaned up the mess..... thank heaven for moms!) and we drove off. On the way I was really scared but trying not to freak out. My water has never broken on it's own before but I was pretty sure it wasn't normal to have that much blood with it. We got to the emergency entrance and I hurried in while Brian parked and met me a few minutes later. They quickly got a monitor on the baby and found a good strong heartbeat so that was a huge relief. A doctor in residency came in and did some sort of test to see if they could figure out where the blood was coming from. Let me just say that she did something wrong while using a speculum and it was seriously painful. Ouch! I couldn't help myself from yelling out, "Are you pinching me!? Is that pinching me?!" When the doctor left the nurse apologized and said that didn't go very well. Ugh.

Anyway, they kept a close watch on baby's heartbeat and took us up to labor and delivery. From about 3:15 to 8:30 Brian and I were walking around and around the hallway in labor and delivery while I was having contractions about every 6 minutes. The nurse asked what I wanted to do for pain management and I chose to do a natural delivery again. Which is what I did with both Miles and Wesley's birth. Which means I thought I was prepared to handle another natural birth. At about 8ish I was dilated to a 7 and still doing okay. The nurses were all surprised I was still walking around. It was great to have Brian by my side. About 8:45 I had to lie down on the bed and from then until delivery it felt pretty much like torture. I thought that going through 2 natural births before meant I was prepared to do it again, but this one was so much harder. With both Miles and Wesley's I was able to stay pretty focused and get through the contractions with breathing and focusing on letting my body do it's work and by the time I couldn't handle the pain it was pretty much time to push. Not this time! I hadn't prepared myself on how to handle this kind of pain. I couldn't stay focused and just wanted to scream and  rip my hair out (luckily I refrained from ripping my hair out). All I could do was keep telling myself that I could push this baby out in three more contractions. Then when three more passed I'd say it again and again. A few things I remember are; not knowing what to do with my hands and feeling like I wanted to do something with them, asking Brian not to breathe on my face, saying that the lady laboring next door was probably so happy she had an epidural after hearing me and being annoyed when the nurses kept telling me I was doing a great job.

Close to 10:30 it was time to get this baby out. The pushing is sometimes the hardest part, but this time I was so happy it was almost over I didn't even care how much it hurt. It didn't take extremely long to push Sullivan out and when he did he was covered in blood and there was a knot in his umbilical cord. The doctor also saw that my placenta had partially torn away, which was why I had been bleeding so much. Both of those situations could be dangerous, which has made me even more grateful for this sweet baby boy!

Sullivan is now over a week old and it's been such a great week. I could just sit and hold him and smell him all day (and pretty much do every night...) Looking at his perfect face and feeling so blessed to have him here in our family after wanting him here for so long (which I realize to many people was not long at all, but for us it was a long time!) There is nothing like having a sweet newborn in the house.

 In the labor room. Last pregnant picture.

This photo might be a little graphic to share, but it shows how bloody he was and the knot in his cord.

Sweet big baby boy.

Once again...

We told the kids over winter break that hopefully they'll have a new sibling this summer! I've been dragging my feet on making the official "announcement" that I am pregnant again. I finally posted it on facebook last week because the belly is getting hard to suck in (I sure pop out faster with each pregnancy!) and facebook is the easiest way to get the news out and stop all the questioning looks at church! :) I'm 16 weeks now and feeling much better in the 2nd trimester. I had an ultrasound at 11 weeks and found out I have another subchorionic hematoma (which is a tear between the placenta and uterine wall) like I did last winter, which led to a miscarriage at 18 weeks in February. So... I've been a bit anxious. It's a smaller one and I've had no bleeding so I am trying to not worry too much. But last time they told me I had "absolutely nothing to worry about" so it's hard to feel reassured. But there's nothing I can do about it, so I anxiously wait for each appointment so I can hear that precious little heartbeat. I think once I surpass 18 weeks I will be less worried, and after the ultrasound at 20 weeks when they can check the hematoma I will know if it's gone. Most subchorionic hematoma's resolve by 20 weeks, but sometimes they get bigger. The smaller the hematoma the less of a risk there is of miscarriage. So.... I am doing my best to not let it consume my thoughts and stress out about it, which isn't easy! And today I felt baby moving for the first time so that is a great feeling.

Anyway, we are so very excited to bring another baby into our family. It has been too long since I've had a tiny baby to hold and snuggle and kiss and smell! There is nothing better than a new baby. And we are going to find out the gender in February! With our last three babies we've waited until birth to know what we were having. And I truly loved that, but since we have an actual room to get ready just for the baby (so fun!), and with it maybe being the last one we are going to find out this time....which will be so fun! Hooray for babies!

A different plan

This picture was taken last Sunday, February 11th (2 days before my 18 week mark) and on Monday I went in for a doctors appointment and found out our little baby was no longer alive. The nurse tried to find the heartbeat for about 2 minutes and I knew right away that something was wrong because it shouldn't take that long at 18 weeks. She thought the baby was just lying in a hard position so she went to get the doctor to bring in the ultrasound machine. Before she left the room I asked if I was measuring on schedule and she said I was measuring about 16 1/2 weeks. I knew this was also not good. I usually measure right on time until the last few months. I started crying when she left the room because I was sure the ultra sound machine would not show good news. The doctor came in and used the ultrasound to look at the baby and try to find the heartbeat. She had the screen turned away from me but it was taking too long and I think she was probably trying to find the right words to break the news. I asked if everything was okay and she said she was still looking for the heartbeat. I started crying harder and she knew that I knew so she turned the screen to me and said she was sorry but the baby didn't have a heartbeat and wasn't moving. She was very kind and told me my options were to schedule a D&C, wait it out or use some pills called mesoprostol to induce a miscarriage. I told her I'd think about it and call her back, then I left and called Brian, picked up the boys from a friend and went home.

It has been amazing to look back at the last few weeks and see how the Lord had helped prepare me to handle this. Ever since my appointment last time when I found out about the subchorionic hematoma I have tried to be cautious with this pregnancy, telling myself this could be the outcome. In my daily prayers I felt impressed to pray for strength to face whatever may come. And after 4 babies and 2 previous miscarriages (although much earlier at 8 and 10 weeks) I know my body pretty well and it had been giving me signs that all wasn't well. I wasn't nearly as tired as usual, my face had broken out (which never happens when I'm pregnant), and I hadn't felt the baby's kicks and pokes (and I had with the other kids by this time). On Saturday I thought I'd felt some movement but I told Brian it didn't feel the same as the other kids - more of a rolling movement than a little kick. I had been telling Brian for a week or so that I was nervous about this appointment and I actually considered going in to the doctor the Thursday before because I just felt like something was wrong. But I decided to wait because there wasn't any reason I could give the doctor that I needed to be seen besides the feeling I had. Despite all this I kept hoping that I would go and find out everything was okay. Brian felt bad that he wasn't there with me but I hadn't asked him to come and I know that he would have if I had asked.

I decided to use the mesoprostol because I didn't want to have a D&C, and I had used it before at my 10 week miscarriage between Nora and Miles. My doctor had me go up to the hospital for an ultrasound so they could determine the baby's size and see if they wanted me to stay there while they induced the miscarriage or if I would be able to do it at home (Brian was at home with our four kids and the two boys I babysit in the afternoon). They found the baby measured smaller than what it should have (which was why I measured smaller) so I was able to come home. The ultrasound tech was so sweet and gave me a big hug. I picked up the prescription on the way home and although the doctor had told me to start it that night but it had been such a long day I knew I needed a good nights rest to get through it, so I chose to wait until morning.  Brian was able to stay home on Tuesday and although the doctor said it could take a few days, by the end of the day I was recovering. It's impossible to put to words what it was like for Brian and I to go through this together. To see and hold the tiny baby boy that would have been part of our family. It was heartbreaking. But also amazing and spiritually strengthening to experience together. And I am more in awe of the miracle of life then ever before.

We did not look forward to telling the kids. Especially the girls. We'd already told them once that we'd lost this baby and knew that Sophie especially would have a hard time. We told them on Monday night and gathered them together for Family Home Evening. We talked about Heavenly Fathers plan and how he is mindful of us and knows what is best for our family. We told them it wasn't in Heavenly Father's plan for us to bring a baby in to our family right now. The girls were pretty sad and teary but we had the boys to distract us all by being oblivious. Miles was sad for about 2 seconds and then wanted Family Night treats. And although Wesley was clueless he was was such a comfort to me by saying "Why you cwying?" and "No you be sad" and giving me lots of snuggles.


Something that I really struggled with a lot throughout the week was whether or not this baby would be part of our eternal family. I did not think so with my other two miscarriages and I didn't think so with this one either. I feel like the Lord wouldn't send spirits to these tiny bodies who never have a chance to live. But some well meaning friends sent me e-mails or messages and told me that they had had spiritual experiences where they knew the babies they'd lost, at around the same time or earlier than mine at 18 weeks, were part of their eternal families and it made me start to think about it and wonder. I was really struggling as to why other people would have these experiences and I wouldn't. I was finally able to accept that maybe every situation is different and after hearing from some good friends who also feel the same way that I feel I was able to get some closure and be at peace with this. Brian and I both feel that it just wasn't the right time for this baby boy to join our family. I know I would probably feel differently had I been further along and I do not judge anyone on how they feel about this. I just know how I feel and what the spirit has helped me to know for our family.

I  am now recovering pretty well. We have literally been bombarded by our wonderful ward members (and a few other friends not in our ward) with dinners, treats, calls and offers to watch the kids. Brian's faculty sent a beautiful flower arrangement and offered to teach his class for him. It has been incredible and we feel very blessed and loved by so many people here. We are so grateful to everyone who sent prayers our way. We have complete trust in the Lord and know He is mindful of us and of our desire to have another baby join our family. We hope that in time this will be able to happen. Meanwhile we will enjoy the four wonderful children we have already! Even through this trial we can't help but look at all that we have and know we are incredibly blessed.

35 Weeks

This isn't the greatest picture... Sophie took it in the dark basement but it'll do. I have to say that the last three times I've been pregnant I really enjoyed it for the most part, and even though Nora and Miles were 3 and 4 days late I was still doing fine. This time I am already feeling ready to be done! I wouldn't complain one teeny bit if this baby came early. Maybe it's the fact that I've never had three kids to take care of while being pregnant, or maybe it's the fact that I've already surpassed the weight I was at when I delivered Miles (yikes). But - this baby will come when it's good and ready! So I will try to wait patiently until then... and to lay off the sweets, too!

P.S. See that super cute yellow microfiber chair in the picture? I picked it up for FREE on the curb last year and just realized I don't think I ever mentioned it. The only thing better than finding good stuff at the thrift store is finding good stuff on the curb. I loaded it and a table into the car and had to make all the kids walk back home while I drove beside them. Luckily we were pretty close to home. :)

Ultrasound...

This is a lame picture of my picture... but it will do for now.

Today we had our ultrasound for baby! It was a good reminder that next time we will leave all the kids with someone and show them the pictures afterwards because they really can't tell by looking at the ultrasound that it is a baby, and they can't sit still that long. But chances are we'll forget and take all of them again next time anyway! It was fun to watch baby move all around and curl up into a ball and not let the ultrasound tech get any measurements for a while. The baby got it's first spanking from the lady {and hopefully last - but ya know I'm not perfect and all the kids have gotten a swat on the bum at one time or another...} She was trying to get the baby to move around so she could get a measurement so she was pushing on my belly and I watched the baby's bum go up and down on the screen. It made me smile. All looks well and we declined to find out if baby is a boy or a girl. I just love surprises!

Tiny Kicks

I'm 18 weeks today - and started feeling the baby move earlier this week. Which is seriously the best feeling in the world! Can't wait for the kids to be able to feel it, too!

At least I have our computer to take a picture... and please ignore my messy hallway!

And baby makes five!

We are excited to announce that we are expecting Baby Phillips Number 3! He/She will be here sometime at the end of January/first of February. Sophie is excited to have a new baby in our family and is hoping for another girl, but mom and dad will be happy either way!