A different plan

This picture was taken last Sunday, February 11th (2 days before my 18 week mark) and on Monday I went in for a doctors appointment and found out our little baby was no longer alive. The nurse tried to find the heartbeat for about 2 minutes and I knew right away that something was wrong because it shouldn't take that long at 18 weeks. She thought the baby was just lying in a hard position so she went to get the doctor to bring in the ultrasound machine. Before she left the room I asked if I was measuring on schedule and she said I was measuring about 16 1/2 weeks. I knew this was also not good. I usually measure right on time until the last few months. I started crying when she left the room because I was sure the ultra sound machine would not show good news. The doctor came in and used the ultrasound to look at the baby and try to find the heartbeat. She had the screen turned away from me but it was taking too long and I think she was probably trying to find the right words to break the news. I asked if everything was okay and she said she was still looking for the heartbeat. I started crying harder and she knew that I knew so she turned the screen to me and said she was sorry but the baby didn't have a heartbeat and wasn't moving. She was very kind and told me my options were to schedule a D&C, wait it out or use some pills called mesoprostol to induce a miscarriage. I told her I'd think about it and call her back, then I left and called Brian, picked up the boys from a friend and went home.

It has been amazing to look back at the last few weeks and see how the Lord had helped prepare me to handle this. Ever since my appointment last time when I found out about the subchorionic hematoma I have tried to be cautious with this pregnancy, telling myself this could be the outcome. In my daily prayers I felt impressed to pray for strength to face whatever may come. And after 4 babies and 2 previous miscarriages (although much earlier at 8 and 10 weeks) I know my body pretty well and it had been giving me signs that all wasn't well. I wasn't nearly as tired as usual, my face had broken out (which never happens when I'm pregnant), and I hadn't felt the baby's kicks and pokes (and I had with the other kids by this time). On Saturday I thought I'd felt some movement but I told Brian it didn't feel the same as the other kids - more of a rolling movement than a little kick. I had been telling Brian for a week or so that I was nervous about this appointment and I actually considered going in to the doctor the Thursday before because I just felt like something was wrong. But I decided to wait because there wasn't any reason I could give the doctor that I needed to be seen besides the feeling I had. Despite all this I kept hoping that I would go and find out everything was okay. Brian felt bad that he wasn't there with me but I hadn't asked him to come and I know that he would have if I had asked.

I decided to use the mesoprostol because I didn't want to have a D&C, and I had used it before at my 10 week miscarriage between Nora and Miles. My doctor had me go up to the hospital for an ultrasound so they could determine the baby's size and see if they wanted me to stay there while they induced the miscarriage or if I would be able to do it at home (Brian was at home with our four kids and the two boys I babysit in the afternoon). They found the baby measured smaller than what it should have (which was why I measured smaller) so I was able to come home. The ultrasound tech was so sweet and gave me a big hug. I picked up the prescription on the way home and although the doctor had told me to start it that night but it had been such a long day I knew I needed a good nights rest to get through it, so I chose to wait until morning.  Brian was able to stay home on Tuesday and although the doctor said it could take a few days, by the end of the day I was recovering. It's impossible to put to words what it was like for Brian and I to go through this together. To see and hold the tiny baby boy that would have been part of our family. It was heartbreaking. But also amazing and spiritually strengthening to experience together. And I am more in awe of the miracle of life then ever before.

We did not look forward to telling the kids. Especially the girls. We'd already told them once that we'd lost this baby and knew that Sophie especially would have a hard time. We told them on Monday night and gathered them together for Family Home Evening. We talked about Heavenly Fathers plan and how he is mindful of us and knows what is best for our family. We told them it wasn't in Heavenly Father's plan for us to bring a baby in to our family right now. The girls were pretty sad and teary but we had the boys to distract us all by being oblivious. Miles was sad for about 2 seconds and then wanted Family Night treats. And although Wesley was clueless he was was such a comfort to me by saying "Why you cwying?" and "No you be sad" and giving me lots of snuggles.


Something that I really struggled with a lot throughout the week was whether or not this baby would be part of our eternal family. I did not think so with my other two miscarriages and I didn't think so with this one either. I feel like the Lord wouldn't send spirits to these tiny bodies who never have a chance to live. But some well meaning friends sent me e-mails or messages and told me that they had had spiritual experiences where they knew the babies they'd lost, at around the same time or earlier than mine at 18 weeks, were part of their eternal families and it made me start to think about it and wonder. I was really struggling as to why other people would have these experiences and I wouldn't. I was finally able to accept that maybe every situation is different and after hearing from some good friends who also feel the same way that I feel I was able to get some closure and be at peace with this. Brian and I both feel that it just wasn't the right time for this baby boy to join our family. I know I would probably feel differently had I been further along and I do not judge anyone on how they feel about this. I just know how I feel and what the spirit has helped me to know for our family.

I  am now recovering pretty well. We have literally been bombarded by our wonderful ward members (and a few other friends not in our ward) with dinners, treats, calls and offers to watch the kids. Brian's faculty sent a beautiful flower arrangement and offered to teach his class for him. It has been incredible and we feel very blessed and loved by so many people here. We are so grateful to everyone who sent prayers our way. We have complete trust in the Lord and know He is mindful of us and of our desire to have another baby join our family. We hope that in time this will be able to happen. Meanwhile we will enjoy the four wonderful children we have already! Even through this trial we can't help but look at all that we have and know we are incredibly blessed.